gtsdiamonddust:

To all you wonderful people. Thank you.

First of all, I want to apologize for all this time that has passed, and thought of updating you guys with what’s been going on.

These past days were horrible… I hit rock bottom after a lot of pressure with my degree and my university responsibilities. I reached the point of absolute isolation. Of being scared to talking it out, and being doubtful of my future. Of overthinking “what if I fail”. Of feeling like I wanted to reach out from this scary, dark place and hang out with my friends, but being too afraid to do so. I once felt lost and scared before, but this… this was different. As if I had no escape at all.

This horrible thing you feel on your back, you know? Like it drains your will and your energy, and tells you over and over again you are not going anywhere, you are not good and will never reach any of your dreams, not even the smallest, despite being less than a year away from graduating. That hideous self doubt, even the fear of looking at yourself.

I wanted to drop everything. I wanted to give up. I felt alone, scared of my own thoughts. I didn’t want to answer my phone, my emails, nothing at all. Kept beating myself mentally over the idea that I was handling twice as many school projects and exams last year and I was fine. I was healthy and happy. I was strong. ‘What happened?’

And after a while… I went back to replies and messages you guys sent me. Some I saw super late (And I’m incredibly sorry about that) but still, read them with my mind cooled down and I felt grateful after a while. They were all small but steady hands for me to hang on to and climb at least as high as I could from that cold rock bottom.

Hopefully this message is not too long, but if you reached here, I just want to thank you all sincerely from the bottom of my heart. This is a fight I will try my best to win, or at least to keep on looking forward.

I know I am not the only person in this awful struggle and I want to tell all of you: whoever is in the same battle against anxiety, depression, or whoever could potentially be threatened by it: hang in there. There is someone out there who loves you. Regardless of degrees, of your archievements. Of what you might think defines you or qualifies you. You might stumble and fall, maybe feel disoriented, but you’ll find a way through.

I just want you guys to know how much it means to me to have received even the smallest gestures to go through this. I’ll try to fuel my heart with all your words and thoughts. I’ll try to hold on tight. I’ve decided to fight this battle and try to learn to appreciate who I am today, regardless of how scary the future may look.

Thank you sincerely. Thank you all, from my heart and soul. Never forget I love you. Please take care you out there. You all matter.