So one of the things I’ve noticed about the ACOTAR fandom is that the smut scenes are very controversial. Some people claim that they’re too graphic, too prolific, and unnecessary. And at one point, I might have agreed, but here is why I think that the sex scenes in ACOTAR and ToG (despite some of the euphemisms/metaphors being a little…ah…*silly*) are actually extremely important:
My mom was raised in conservative Nebraska. Her parents were upper middle class citizens who went to church every day, were members of the country club, etc. etc. Her world was…pristine in the worst of ways. She never formed connections (not with her parents, not with her brother, and forming a relationship with her twin only started when they graduated college). She wasn’t close to any of her “friends” and everything was extremely…proper. In that setting, proper meant that you didn’t talk, you didn’t get nitty gritty, and important life matters that might not be considered “family-friendly” simply were not discussed. Period.
My mom’s introduction to puberty/sex, etc. was from a cartoon, Christian-published book that her mother slid under her doorway. She never spoke about sex, her parents never spoke about sex, her siblings never spoke about sex, etc. Tampons? A painful, loathsome, embarrassing experience because nobody explained that it was natural, or how to do it, or why it’s better than pads, and so on. Arousal? Forget about it. It wasn’t that her parents were die-hard religious fanatics who thought that sex outside of marriage was a sin and would send their daughter to hell, but they simply never spoke about it. It was never something that she was able to explore beyond what she saw in movies and books (which were different in the 80s. There wasn’t really anything like ACOTAR back then. At least, nothing my mom came across).
Anyway, my mom is 46 now and she read ACOTAR on her own because she heard me never shut up about it, and my mom is the kind of person who was willing to read this YA fantasy series simply because she loved that I was so passionate about it and wanted to know what I was talking about so I would have someone to talk about it with.
And here, everyone, is why the sex matters.
My parents never tried to shield me from the concept of sex (obviously I wasn’t 10 and watching Game of Thrones, but when I hit the appropriate age/maturity, they made sure to emphasize that it’s natural and, if you do it safely and consensually, not a big deal). I’ve always been able to come to them with questions or observations or whatever and have it not be awkward, but that was something my mom never had.
So when she read the ACOTAR trilogy she came to me and said, “There’s a lot of sex in these.”
And at first, I was like “Oh, yikes, don’t let this be what makes it awkward to talk to each other” and then my mom, 46 years old, married for 19 years with two kids of her own, started to cry.
When I asked her what was wrong, she said “God, I wish I had had something like this when I was a teenager.”
ACOTAR starts off with Feyre having safe, consensual sex with a guy that she knows she isn’t going to marry, just to have fun. My mom was relatively old when she discovered that sex could actually be…fun. It wasn’t something that had even crossed her mind as a teenager, it was just a baby-making ritual for married people.
So here is Feyre, engaging in sex safely, willingly, just because it’s one of the few fun things her life can offer.
And then she meets Tamlin, and while he may be an asshole, he is a hot asshole (maybe not Rhys hot, but let’s be honest, if we saw him walking in the street and didn’t know a thing about him, we’d think he’s hot. Maybe). And Feyre, as she realizes he’s not a monster (he doesn’t want to kill her, at the very least), starts to feel attraction toward him. Not “oh he made me blush” but true sexual attraction. Feyre, an adult, wanted to have sex with another adult, before she realized she was hopelessly in love with him. Also not something my mom was aware of as a teenager–at least, not something that was portrayed in her life, through the media, etc.
And then she has sex with Tamlin (Feyre, not my mom) and there isn’t any I Am Woman™ bullshit; Feyre doesn’t even tell him she loves him. It’s graphic, yep, and it shows Feyre being pleasured before Tamlin takes his own pleasure (at least one good thing we can say about him). Again, that wasn’t something my mom realized as a teenager.
Women?? can have sex?? for fun?? not to get pregnant?? but to enjoy it?? it’s not all about?? the?? man?? having?? fun??
My mom wasn’t uneducated, but women having sex for the hell of it wasn’t something that she was exposed to as a teenager. And what she did see certainly wasn’t graphic enough for her to come to the conclusion that women could actually have their own fun before the man.
And then ACOMAF came along, and we get to see Feyre ready to move on, not just emotionally, but physically from Tamlin as well. And enjoy the ever-loving hell out of having sex with Rhysand.
For me, reading ACOMAF was like “Oh, yeah, go Feyre, have fun, don’t apologize” etc, because I was lucky enough to be raised in a household where my mom was comfortable explaining to me that 1) I didn’t have to be ashamed of my sexuality as a woman 2) I should be able to enjoy it outside of marriage 3) IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT THE MAN and 4) There’s actually more to it than just penis+vagina=boom. But for my mom, it was a completely different experience, because her teenage years were totally different. None of that was made clear to her. She’s figured it out since then, but books like this, where women having sex outside of marriage/serious end-all relationships wasn’t a big deal, didn’t exist for her back then.
And she said she’d wished that she’d had something as graphic and healthy and sex-positive as ACOTAR, so that when her parents wouldn’t talk to her about any of it, she’d at least have these books to go to for a little bit of understanding.
So, no, maybe for you, the sex in ACOTAR is unnecessary. But it’s not unnecessary for everyone else. So maybe, before you say “we don’t need to read/see this”, think about the people who do. Think about the people who maybe can’t talk about this sort of thing in their lives, and have to turn to outside sources for understanding and clarification. Nobody is gripping your head and holding your eyes open and forcing you to read those scenes, so if you don’t want to: don’t! But actually…it is important. And maybe it’s not “important to the story” (although I will argue it’s important for character development), but it may very well be important to the reader. Friendly reminder that your experiences are not universal. So don’t you dare think you have the authority to decide what is or is not important for everyone else.
The end.
Why the sex in ACOTAR matters
Published
Harvest Guardian 